I haven't written in a while

not here, at least.
I've mostly been journaling, but
this, I think, deserved some space away from pages and ink.

This girl from my high school died today.
She died in a car accident, I'm not sure of details.
Her name was JB, and I hated her.

Well. lets be fair. I didn't "hate" her,
I don't hate anyone. but I didn't want to be around her.
I spoke ill of her on a regular basis,
just because she was in my english class and never failed to piss me off.

but now shes gone.
and that leaves me wondering:
did I ever say it outloud?
did I ever speak the words " I wish JB would just die"?
if I did, I didn't mean it, but that's easy to say in hindsight.

instead, what I'm left with is guilt.
over whelming guilt.
no, I didn't crash her car.
but maybe when I laughed at a joke made at her expense,
the breath that came out of my mouth created some
sadistic crosswind...

The Butterfly Effect is the idea that the flap of a butterfly's wing in Brazil,
could cause a tsunami in Japan,
because the world is interconnected
and intertwined.

so somehow through this theory, I am drowning in guilt.
I'm not crying, but I wanna be.


so do I learn from this?
do I turn this into an experience that changes me,
makes me love everyone equally and unprejudiced?
I just don't think I'm that kind of person anymore.
and I don't think that would be honest of me.

there's gotta be a way that I can come to terms with:
no, JB, I did not like you, or agree with your opinions
but you did not deserve to die so young.
I can say that in truth.

I know you were religious, and it was your time
to head to heaven and meet your God, I believe that.
people only die when heaven's ready to take them, I think.
JB was ready, she earned her spot.

but with her she took all of her ambitions and her goals, and her potential,
and for the people she left behind, she left them with the burden
of not being able to say good bye, of not being able to see her face.
I read RB's note about her, and realized she was this whole person I never knew,
she touched people in positive ways, and there were people who loved her.
I used to say such cruel things about her,
and I know that if any of my close friends died,
I would murder anyone who had ever made fun of them in front of me.

so its not fair. its not fair that I wasted time
making fun of JB in high school.
as much as I dislike the human race,
everyone is someone's daughter, or son.
and everyone is something important to someone.
so who am I to mock that?
and mock who and what they are?

so this burden in my chest is real,
JB deserved better than the words I spoke of her.
I can only hope that I'll be welcome at the funeral,
so maybe I can finally make this right.

Rest in Peace Jackie, your life was worth more than anyone will ever know.