Maury, love of my life

I wrote this at the request of DJ,
for the W&M music mag, Vinyl Tap.

As the unofficial king of low-rate television,
Maury Povich wears his crown with the sort of grace
that could only be exhibited by a man that has
seen the results of one paternity test too many.
And yet, his poker face is still incredibly strong,
even after all these years; he’s not
giving anything up until the results are revealed.
But for those of us that are slightly more impatient,
here are the top five tell-tale signs of the dreaded -
NOT THE FATHER.

5. The baby is named after the man in question.

 If his name is Jaykwon, and some girl on his block
claims he’s the daddy of little baby Jaykwonda, rest assured,
he is NOT THE FATHER.

4. The baby doesn’t look like a carbon copy 
of the man her mother slept with.

Everyone knows that regardless of their gender,
babies always come out looking identical to their father.
So if baby Diandra doesn’t have Carlos’ trademark earlobes,
then I’m sorry, he’s just NOT THE FATHER.

3. There are more than 3 men being tested.

Chances are, if you can’t narrow the count down
to at least 2, then a couple probably slipped in
when you weren’t looking. Therefore, all the men
being tested today are NOT THE FATHER.

2. Upon arriving onstage, the man grabs his chair 
and sets it next to the stairs.

The further the guests sit from each other,
the lower the probability that the results will
prove his paternity, it’s a proven fact.
Also, watch how he sits down –
if he’s up on the balls of his feet the whole time,
it means he’s more than ready to spring
from his seat and execute the classic Maury victory dance.
Much like an endzone dance, this is beautiful display of joy.

And lastly, number one:

1. If the mother is more than 
100% sure of the man’s paternity

Paternity results in a baby mama’s mind tend to
defy the laws of mathematics.
A common statement heard in these cases is
“I’m 120% sure, Maury!” or
“I know who my baby’s daddy is, I’m 1000% positive!”
Extensive research has shown however, that
these numbers are often inaccurate, and implausible.
Divide her percentage by 10, and you’ll get
the number of men that really should be tested
in order to provide conclusive paternity.
In the meantime, feel free to take a bathroom break,
because once you get past one hundred,
he is NOT THE FATHER.