and all of a sudden it hit me.

It's like finally something has come up
and made the decision for me.
I read something on EM's formspring,
where someone asked him what he would do
if he had three days to live.
His answer: buy a one-way ticket to Spain,
sail, fish, fuck, drink.
stranger's suggestion was that he should do it anyways.
EM, however, responded with something like:
"Yeah, I'd like to, but unfortunately time's have changed"

Well fuck it, time's have changed, but people haven't.
I AM IN NO WAY CONDONING THE IDEA OF
"LIVING LIKE YOU'RE DYING"
that's simply not realistic.
but looking at it this way:
If I died tomorrow, what would I regret?

Would I regret not giving a fuck in high school?
Would I regret not partying enough?
Would I regret not dating that guy I thought I wanted to date?

Not a chance.

I know what I would regret though:
Not spending enough time with my family
Not going back to California
Not learning to speak Portuguese, or French
Not learning how to play the piano better, or the harmonica at all
Not seeing sooo many bands in concert
Not riding a bike through Richmond
Not laughing enough
Not growing my hair down to my butt

I can't really help the last one but every
single one of the other things on that list
are there because it's my fault.
I haven't done enough to ensure my own happiness, dear God.


Looking at another point:
I've spent the last 18 years indebted to my parents.
They feed me, clothe me, shelter me, so I do what they say.
I follow their rules, I respect their house, etc etc
One of these days someone's gonna like it
enough to put a ring on it, and then the process just repeats.
I feed, clothe, shelter, protect, rinse & repeat
via a husband and children.

SO by my calculations, somewhere in between
is a place where I don't owe anyone, anything.

So I'm gonna do everything I ever wanted,
and putting responsibilities on hold.
fuck what the world wants, you know?
just fuck it.

This isn't to say I'm quitting school, or
going out to California tomorrow.
I'm not dumb enough to do something without
some sort of Plan Of Attack.
But from now on, I'd like to think that all of
my efforts are going towards being able to die proudly
and without regrets.

"Would I regret doing/not doing this if I die tomorrow?"
No? Then it doesn't matter, point blank.

I guarantee that a year from now, that list will
be significantly shorter.
It's on the internet now, so I mean it, hah.