Lux was the last to go

This is an old post, obviously.
I just thought I'd move it to here.

My birthday is coming up, its like a personal New Year's on the timeline of my life.
So if I was born on day one of year one, then on Planet Regina,
next Friday will be the first day of year 19.
It seems a fitting time for reflection.
facing the truth is uncomfortable, but how can we move forward unless we accept things and change?

19 things I wanna think about before year 20:



1. I JUST SAID YEAR 20. There's something intimidating about saying it out loud.

2. I will never downplay the importance of music in my life again. I've found so much new music this year that's changed me.

3. Religiously speaking, I don't know what i believe anymore. Maybe I wanna figure that out once and for all, but most likely I'm just going to keep living in a constant state of flux and doubt.

4. Happiness isn't something i can just keep wishing for at 11:11. its supposed to be an active part of my life and it just hasn't been lately. I wanna find ways to fix this.

5. I'm probably not a nice person. it's a relief to say that. Just because I treat most people well does not make me nice, I'm just polite. I can't help that regardless of how I act, I feel completely different. so the dilemma here is: do I stop faking it and just say whats on my mind, run the risk of hurting too many people? or do I keep my anti-social tendencies to myself? must make that decision at some point.

6. I don't fear death, I'm embracing it like an old friend. and I don't want that to change.

7. Year 18 was like a sieve and all the unimportant people fell through the cracks. I appreciate the impact that's been made on my life by everyone that's left.

8. A teacher's assistant once told me I hold too much back. That was the hardest thing I've ever had to hear about myself. Maybe if I stop judging myself,I can stop holding back. Not sure how that's supposed to happen, but I'll try and figure that out.

9. Too many hobbies I wanna take up. I'll finally have the time to do them all.

10. Mean everything to one person. You know exactly what I mean.

11. CHANGE. change a little or a lot, I just hope I don't end this next year the same way I start it. even if I'm regressing, there are worse things than moving backwards. Mosquitoes only breed in stagnant water.

12. Stand my ground. I hate bending for you. I hate it when you make me change my mind. To hell with that.

13. "Dismiss anything that insults your own soul" Truer words were never written.

14. I don't care about any of this junk that passes through my life. I'll try to stop pretending to.

15. You have no idea how much I obsess over certain things. What's the opposite of grudges? Because that's what I hold. I should just give myself peace from that, and let things go for good.

16. You'd be surprised how much food I eat that I don't even like. No more of that.

17. You're all just as complex and unique as I am. I mean, I know that, but it still astounds me when I'm confronted with it. I've gotta find some sort of way to repay humanity for how much they've taught me. That could take years I guess.

18. Is it odd that my life has a color scheme? Muted New Mexican jewel tones that make me think of deserts and wolfs and Spanish guitars. I wanna pay better attention to spelling things correctly.

19. Writing everyday. There's nothing more important than putting my own thoughts and the thoughts of other people down on paper uncensored. We forgot how to live except within our own minds, so its gotta come out on paper.


Those aren't even resolutions, I think it's just me making sense to no one but myself.