lonliness

“And it’s not “clever lonely” (like Morrissey) or “interesting Lonely” (like Radiohead); it’s “lonely, lonely,” like the way it feels when you’re being hugged by someone and it somehow makes you sadder.”

—	Chuck Klosterman

Is it crazy that

I wanna be this girl right now?
She's wearing a ski-mask,
but shes so gorgeoussss.

I completely feel like that, down there.
YOUR TIME, GO GET IT
MOTHERFUCKER.

and lately I've got a thing
for foul language.
It's like everday I love the
English language more and more,
and it never fucking disapppoints
me.
I just get wrapped up in words and
sounds and how it all feels when it comes out your mouth,
or how it looks on paper, or a screen.
This shit is magically, fuck.
Three words could change my whole life:
GET UP, MOVE.
IF YOU DIED.
PLEASE COME BACK.
When I'm gone, it's true, all thats left
are my words, my stories.
Raconteur until my jaw breaks.
Pen on paper til my bones rot to dust.

On another note, I wanna start
making a set of graphic design t-shirts
featuring foul-mouthed phrases.
censored?
I don't know.
The fuck word is so looked down upon
in modern society, but maybe i'll just do it.
Fuck women and children,
they can overt their eyes.

REINCARCINATE YAYO

"It’s your time. Go get it, motherfucker."

Yayo

not again

You're cynical, and an asshole:
I like that.

I'm fucked up, so that's
exactly what I'm looking
for in a man.

death and dying

[14:46] xxxxxxxx: i dont wanna die either
[14:47] tentacles4arms: lol 
[14:47] xxxxxxxx: i just want to die



these are our lives.

all this bullshit

" I find myself wanting so much from people,
I want to be noticed, taken care of, shown off too,
and I want someone to stick around with me, a
great friend that will hang out with me everynight,
someone I can pick up from the train at 11 am, and
drop them off at 10 pm, someone I can meet up with
and get lost and explore the city, someone who can just
come over and watch endless indie films, and listen to some of
our favorite artists together lay on my bed, and just sing
or laugh and tell stories about life, and each other so we can both grow.
someone who will text me i miss you, someone who can
just make me feel im on top of the world, at times i feel
as if i have it all, but then i dont. if only i got what i wanted,
and if only i met someone whos down for it all. fuck, i need
new people in my life. "

I don't know where this is from , but I feel it.

I was

so dedicated in March - what happened?

in recent news however, a certain
someone just unblocked me from her facebook.
Normally, something like this
isn't really news, but JT was, and still is,
the most important friend I've ever had.
Our falling out probably ranks within
the top 5 most influential events in
la vie de Regine.

It's like the first sledgehammered swing
into the Berlin Wall, I can all but hear
the pullback of the Iron Curtain.
looks like there's hope for us yet.

Its important mostly because
I haven't been exactly hopeful about
anything in my life in a while.

bootybreath

It's just stupid how much I'm into you.

So what of the theory, that
women have daddy issues
when their father neglect them,
and men have daddy issues when
their fathers die.

and why does being a jerk
mean you have issues, always?
being kind and genuinely compassionate,
apparently is the way we're supposed to be
that means there's nothing wrong,
but if we're all just animals...


fuck it, ill save that train
of thought for another time.

towel day

“A towel, it says, is about the most massively useful thing an interstellar hitchhiker can have. Partly it has great practical value. You can wrap it around you for warmth as you bound across the cold moons of Jaglan Beta; you can lie on it on the brilliant marble-sanded beaches of Santraginus V, inhaling the heady sea vapors; you can sleep under it beneath the stars which shine so redly on the desert world of Kakrafoon; use it to sail a miniraft down the slow heavy River Moth; wet it for use in hand-to-hand-combat; wrap it round your head to ward off noxious fumes or avoid the gaze of the Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal (such a mind-bogglingly stupid animal, it assumes that if you can’t see it, it can’t see you); you can wave your towel in emergencies as a distress signal, and of course dry yourself off with it if it still seems to be clean enough.

More importantly, a towel has immense psychological value. For some reason, if a strag (strag: non-hitch hiker) discovers that a hitch hiker has his towel with him, he will automatically assume that he is also in possession of a toothbrush, face flannel, soap, tin of biscuits, flask, compass, map, ball of string, gnat spray, wet weather gear, space suit etc., etc. Furthermore, the strag will then happily lend the hitch hiker any of these or a dozen other items that the hitch hiker might accidentally have “lost”. What the strag will think is that any man who can hitch the length and breadth of the galaxy, rough it, slum it, struggle against terrible odds, win through, and still knows where his towel is is clearly a man to be reckoned with.”

I

don't know the plural form of hiatus is,
but I sure do take a lot of them.

lately I think I've developed anxiety.
It's liek the feeling I used to get in high school
when I was two or three months backed up
on homework assignments, and the quarter
was ending in two days, but now I don't have
that sort of stress, and yet the feelings still here.

Thank god I've got writing as an outlet,
otherwise I might just crumple up in a heap on my bed
and not come out for weeks, or try to recreate a Pollack
painting using just the ceiling, my brain, and a gun -
Hemingway style.

I wish I had three tons of Xanax or something,
because that might make life easier, but with a
therapist, where would I even start?
People on medication usually have some sort
of traumatic event that is the catalyst for their problems.

I feel like my life is one big traumatic event,
just leading up to my death.

Truth is, at this point in my life,
I'd have more fun listening to Vampire Weekend
while playing Bejeweled, and then falling asleep
to old episodes of Six Feet Under and shitty
VH1 reality shows with a box of Cheez-its in my lap,
than going to a party on a Saturday night.
fuck parties.
fuck people.
fuck friends.
and especially fuck this anxiety.

i dont need pills, i need a fucking break.

If

you're the only one that laughs
at your own jokes,
does that make you a visionary?

Grit

vicious vigilantes guard
stray streetlamps
by night.
we wake up with swollen joints
on the losing end of this fight

You could call out to the heavens
begging solitude,
begging peace,
yet turn a blind eye to your children
as they come begging at your feet.

rusty rags and threadbare britches
barely cover the bare bruises
of your soul.
We don't fear darkness, or distractions,
We build our fires against the cold.

And though the sun sets, we can't stop it,
we don't want to, we press on,
teeth clenched, fists lowered,
our sweat is dirty, we face the dawn.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit;
Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

every day, do something you're scared of.

they say we grow weak with every touch
but we know better.
i thought i was familiar with loneliness,
now i cry over every letter

im speaking figuratively of course,
crying's just another something i forgot
how to do
except the times i change the channels
and somehow think of you.

most of the time my days are numbered
a widened path, obscuring view
behind the bushes creep the homeless men
i have no money, i tell the truth.

A list of hobbies to occupy my time
a serious joke - im not enlightened, im just
trying to push you out the only way
i know how.

understand that, and you'll understand me
it's pathetic, but within that is a
bittersweet victory.

one of these days im going to die

and i'm gonna die alone, and with a smile.

FOUND MY FUTURE HUSBAND

William Fitzsimmons, voice of an angel.

Here's the bio from his website:

"William Fitzsimmons is one of the oddest
people you will ever meet.
Born the youngest child of two blind parents,
William was raised in the outskirts of the steel city
of Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. Due to the family's
inability to communicate through normal visual means,
William's childhood home was filled with a myriad
of sounds to replace what eyes could not see.
The house was suffused with pianos, guitars,
trombones, talking birds, classical records, family sing-a-longs,
bedtime stories, and the bellowing of a pipe organ,
which his father built into the house with his own hands.
When his father's orchestral records were not resonating
through the walls, his mother would educate him on the
folk stylings of James Taylor, Joni Mitchell, Bob Dylan, and Simon & Garfunkel. "


and this is what he looks like:

if he proposed to me, I think I'd faint.

ERNESTTTT

Hemingway was the fucking man.

"You may be saying to yourself, 'But, Tony, wasn't Hemingway 
a womanizing alcoholic in such a constant need of a fix 
that he would go so far as drinking rubbing alcohol for a fix?
Wasn't he so crazy that he submitted himself to electroshock therapy? 
And didn't he, you know, improvise a Jackson Pollock painting
using only a wall, his brain, and a shotgun?' "

Maybe I judged

Ke$ha too harshly.
"Dancing with tears in my eyes"
is a track where you actually hear
an un-autotuned Kesha, and
even though its supposed to be about
a boyfriend that dumped her (right?)
it feels like its about something else
entirely.

"on the floor im just a zombie
who i am is not who i wanna be
i'm such a tradegy
with every move i die"

girl's got a problem.
and she knows it.
and maybe she's a little bit pathetic,
but I am too sometimes.

next toast is for Kesha,
for at least trying to fil the void
somehow.
just hoping that maybe fame doesn't make it worse.

dont have

a lot of pictures because
I don't feel the need
to meticulously document
my existence.

take a look at those albums -
it's just the same photo,
over and over.
switch out one face
and replace with another.
same pose
same girl
same red cups
pride.


who are these memories for?


before us, they held a
handkerchief in their hands
to remind them of a lover
in the war.

we just click through
200 photos of us
kissing the boy
down the street.

if everyone else continues to propel
what if i want to jump off the ship?

in a long time

tell me could i 
bust your myths,
write your scripts,
steal all the most inspiring lines
right off your lips.

we are but ribs
from hardened flesh

rustling with sounds
of cracking necks.

tell me something honest;
something i dont want to hear.
wounds cried bloodless
like i cried tears.

if time took everything,
what could be left?
anything would rattle
inside an empty chest.


so we never danced.
i never sang either,
but we crawled on our knees,
ignored the nice weather.

simple as fuck,
you gave me that much.
but hollow like ashtrays
we no longer touch.

Fresh off the streets of Philadelphia

When art becomes work,
it's not art anymore.


I could spend my life
complaining that no one will ever
understand me,
or I could make them
understand me.

so God damn true

"We also write to heighten our own awareness of life. We write to lure and enchant and console others. We write to serenade our lovers. We write to taste life twice, in the moment, and in retrospection. We write, like Proust, to render all of it eternal, and to persuade ourselves that it is eternal. We write to be able to transcend our life, to reach beyond it. We write to teach ourselves to speak with others, to record the journey into the labyrinth. We write to expand our world when we feel strangled, or constricted, or lonely. We write as the birds sing, as the primitives dance their rituals. If you do not breathe through writing, if you do not cry out in writing, or sing in writing, then don’t write, because our culture has no use for it. When I don’t write, I feel my world shrinking. I feel I am in a prison. I feel I lose my fire and my color. It should be a necessity, as the sea needs to heave, and I call it breathing."

do the Snookie "waaah"

i just found this incredible website
that shows you 365 things you can do
that you've never done before.

I want to do all of them so much,
I wish I could speed up my own
12 months, 12 tasks list.
Idk, maybe in 2011,
I'll get ambitious and do a full
365 days, 365 tasks.
aren't we all gonna die in 2012 anyways?
better late than never.

fucking ridiculous

[23:48] ImJoeDenney: wow and fallout boy
[23:48] ImJoeDenney: shudder 
[23:49] tentacles4arms: right? and ed hardy, who ruined tigers for everyone. 
[23:49] ImJoeDenney: were going dowwwwn dowwwwwwn with my lvl 9 elf, and sugar were going down swinging (at other dudes who wear ed hardy cuz we all ultimate fight, bro) 
[23:49] tentacles4arms: hahahahaha
[23:50] ImJoeDenney: the ruined tigers line was not lost on me 
[23:50] ImJoeDenney: i chuckled

so a slave and his master walk into a bar

[22:31] ImJoeDenney: i am an island 
[22:31] ImJoeDenney: impossible to love 
[22:31] ImJoeDenney: (the island in this metaphor is africa) 
[22:31] tentacles4arms: i hear islands are great vacation spots
 [22:32] tentacles4arms: if you are africa then im on board 
[22:32] ImJoeDenney: on board a slave ship, amirite?!
 [22:32] tentacles4arms: AMISTAD MOTHERFUCKER
[22:33] tentacles4arms: im just looking for the Thomas Jefferson to my Sally
 [22:34] tentacles4arms: tis all 
[22:34] ImJoeDenney: if you will sire my bastards, i will grant you access to the east wing, where no colored hath ventured before 
[22:35] tentacles4arms: OH BOY
 [22:35] tentacles4arms: Mr. Jefferson, youre too kind
 [22:35] ImJoeDenney: now sally, dont cause a fuss, back to the kitchen 
[22:36] tentacles4arms: yessuh massah

I read this status on facebook today

 "so my gf is a keeper. we went to a kegger,
and every chance she saw that i was running
more than half a cup of beer, she would
yank that shit and fill it up.
and it dosent help that she went undefeated
at pong with bree. now thats marrige material.
and she tells people to drive off cliffs"


so your standards are that she
must be an alcoholic, and more
than eager to indulge your own
alcoholism?
I don't want to give a
"what is this world coming to" speech,
but good luck buddy.
Hopefully you guys can get adjoining rooms
at the methadone clinic somewhere
down the road.

Can I have an entire blog devoted to my sweater collection?

Or would that just be overdoing it?
My sweaters are my most prized
possessions - I'm never gonna
give them up: Rick Astley style.

Maury, love of my life

I wrote this at the request of DJ,
for the W&M music mag, Vinyl Tap.

As the unofficial king of low-rate television,
Maury Povich wears his crown with the sort of grace
that could only be exhibited by a man that has
seen the results of one paternity test too many.
And yet, his poker face is still incredibly strong,
even after all these years; he’s not
giving anything up until the results are revealed.
But for those of us that are slightly more impatient,
here are the top five tell-tale signs of the dreaded -
NOT THE FATHER.

5. The baby is named after the man in question.

 If his name is Jaykwon, and some girl on his block
claims he’s the daddy of little baby Jaykwonda, rest assured,
he is NOT THE FATHER.

4. The baby doesn’t look like a carbon copy 
of the man her mother slept with.

Everyone knows that regardless of their gender,
babies always come out looking identical to their father.
So if baby Diandra doesn’t have Carlos’ trademark earlobes,
then I’m sorry, he’s just NOT THE FATHER.

3. There are more than 3 men being tested.

Chances are, if you can’t narrow the count down
to at least 2, then a couple probably slipped in
when you weren’t looking. Therefore, all the men
being tested today are NOT THE FATHER.

2. Upon arriving onstage, the man grabs his chair 
and sets it next to the stairs.

The further the guests sit from each other,
the lower the probability that the results will
prove his paternity, it’s a proven fact.
Also, watch how he sits down –
if he’s up on the balls of his feet the whole time,
it means he’s more than ready to spring
from his seat and execute the classic Maury victory dance.
Much like an endzone dance, this is beautiful display of joy.

And lastly, number one:

1. If the mother is more than 
100% sure of the man’s paternity

Paternity results in a baby mama’s mind tend to
defy the laws of mathematics.
A common statement heard in these cases is
“I’m 120% sure, Maury!” or
“I know who my baby’s daddy is, I’m 1000% positive!”
Extensive research has shown however, that
these numbers are often inaccurate, and implausible.
Divide her percentage by 10, and you’ll get
the number of men that really should be tested
in order to provide conclusive paternity.
In the meantime, feel free to take a bathroom break,
because once you get past one hundred,
he is NOT THE FATHER.

Finally nice

to be writing stuff I like again.

Barnacles

So now we sit, barely exist
in the trenches of "what if?"

Like some demented function
Like a poem without meaning

Like some witless bag of dirt
by the side of the road
writhing in a pain you
can no longer see
we are

drifting apart,
without boats,
without oceans,
nearly breaking our own necks
with the sounds of you
walking out that door
this fucking
stillborn ship,
never sailed due south
until i passed the captain's cap
to you.
you failed me at seaside
left my bones ashore
gangrene rotted
pale grave skin
braided filthy
at your door.

Trade in your sunlight for a career

This is what I wanna be when I grow up

See that blonde girl?

I want my hair like hers, but
alotalotalot longer.
Too bad I'm BLACK gaaah.

I'll probably do it anyways,
not quite so blonde.

I just really like deep roots
on hair.

p.s. these are the guys from The State.
one of the few decent shows MTV
ever had.

Almost makes me wanna dye my hair again

...almost

SO MUCH GOOD SHIT IS GONNA HAPPEN

as soon as I let it.

One of these men has gotta be

my future husband, right?

I don't want to go back

but I have to.
I legitimately have to put in the work
and the effort to make this year a good one.
so that next year, I can have the freedom
to do whatever the fuck I want.

Mostly I just don't want to disrespect
my parents' money. They're paying
for it, somehow, so I've got to make
sure that every fucking penny isn't put to
waste.

Definitely not going to be easy for me,
Intelligence has allowed me to live a
rather efficient (see: lazy) lifestyle
so far.

So like, how do people find the willpower
to buckle down and get shit done?
It all seems so pointless to me, hah.
As KS said to me once
(and he was right. he always is,
even when i argue with him),
I live in fantasy land, and somehow shit
always works out for me.
not perfectly, but good enough.

It's so I can do the things I've always wanted to.
So I can die without regrets,
no matter when I die.
That's why.

I was just talking about this the other day

it's like confirmation that maybe
I'm not wrong,
but it's also a reminder that
there are no new thoughts in the world,
only recycled epiphanies.

Sometimes the people you least expect.

There's few people on this earth that I've
kept in contact with for more than 3 or so
years, but for as long as I can remember,
I've been going to school with the good
man Austin Anthony.
This year marks the first time since
3rd grade that our names will not be in the same
yearbook, not that I ever bought those
anyways.

We took Photography class for
three years together, and whereas
I probably averaged to put out
4 photos a year, somehow this guy
has managed to find a passion in
a subject I failed so horribly at.
More power to him.
He's a billion miles away at
Western Kentucky University,
working on his craft, and it gets better
everyday.

He's got the goods, you wont
be disappointed:
http://austinanthony.blogspot.com/

WHY ARE YOU PREGNANT ALREADY

I can't even get my shit together,
why/what/how the fuck are you
carrying a child??

your freedom
shouldn't be over yet.

"gift of life"
until one day youre 40
and youre on the floor crying because
you never got to do all the things
you always promised you would.

How sad is that.

I love food so much,
I'm going to make a blog
devoted to what I eat
every day.

BECAUSE I CAN
DONT YOU DARE JUDGE ME
IM HUN-GRAY




so now knivesfordinner.blogspot.com
is my daily foodings.

and momsaidyouweredead.blogspot.com
is strictly business.
SRS BZNZ

gaaaahaaaaa

I've been pretty much invading
facebook every two seconds
but I can't help it,
this is the first time I've been
awake all day in sososo long
and I have all these things to say
and show people.

I just bookmark links and make
a mental note to bring this to
so-and-so's attention later
because otherwise i'm pretty
sure people will just start to
remove me from their news feed.

I'm frantic right now.
I'd rather be asleep.

moral dilemma

I hate this band,
but I love this shirt.

decisions, decisions...

If you wanna get it big time, go on and get it, get it big time.

I don't think I could ever be famous.
the idea of self-promotion...

I'd rather not be
telling 20 million
people why they should listen/look at me.
not my style.

Here's what I'm naming my kids:

First son: Wilhelm.

Yeah, the newborn babe
from Inglorious Basterds,
but I'm really naming him after
this guy:

Kaiser Wilhelm > BAMF


Second son: Juan Carlos
pronounced - Wohn Car-lo
King of Spain, motherfucker

Third son: Cambridge
not Massachusetts, im talking about England.

Fourth son: Lenin

Like the fallen communist bastard.

I guess I'm hoping for all boys,
but if we have girls, my husband can name them.
If we have a girl before a fourth son,
Her name's gonna be Lennon.
Like the John variety.

Walnuts

are apparently really good for
lowering blood pressure.
Mine happens to be waay too high,
because its genetic,
and I'm rotund.

So maybe I'll eat more of these.
Plus, they look like brains -
DOUBLE WHAMMY.

DONE-ZO

Yeah, it's a finished product now.
Finally I have a place to put
all the things I likeee
so I can rave about them
to the whole Interwebzzzzzz
KNIVESFORDINNER.BLOGSPOT.COM yeah?


JUST CLICK HERE TO ACCESS MY BRAIN

YEASAYER derpaderp

Lately, when I get into music,
I get fucking into it.
We're talking total immersion,
and my music taste gets better
by the day.

ONE and Sunrise by Yeasayer

ON REPEAT, MOTHERFUCKERRR

I'm starting a second blog

I said it as a joke to
DJ, but I'm actually
gonna do it.

All about how everything I love
is interconnected.

How else would you explain
that Zach Galifianakis went on
stage with My Morning Jacket at Bonnaroo?
Or that Conan O'Brien has a beard?

Or that Wes Anderson's latest movie
stars Meryll Streep?

I'll start doing that, ASAP.

Have I ever told you

How much I love
Notorious B.I.G.?
Such a bad motherfucker, this guy's
an inspiration.

Every single lyrics is dirty, and real
and violent, and genius.
I would absolutely fuck him if
he were alive. Hands down.

via the last post

I figured I might actually make a list.
I love lists so much, but I might take
this one down eventually.
Just because, I don't want anyone to find it after I die
and see how many of these things I did not
accomplish.
I happen to be the world's most efficient (see:lazy)
person, but let's hope I really CAN
make a dent in this list in a year's time.

It's like a Bucket List, I suppose, but
with things that are actually achievable,
not stupid shit like "go skydiving"
or "meet the president".
Those things aren't important to me.

• Spend more time with my family. - like, more time than humanly possible. There is no such thing as too much time spent with your own flesh and blood. True story.
  
• Learn to speak Portuguese. - I've wanted to do this for so long, it's like Spanish, but trendier, hahaha. Nah, I just really wanna visit the coast of Portugal.
• Learn to speak French. - only because I love food. This only makes sense in my head maybe, but I want to speak French because I love food.
• Grow my hair down to my butt. - Practically impossible, because let's face it, I'm black. Our hair is ridiculous from the start. But it's past my collarbones a little bit right now and I'm slowly but steadily getting there. Too bad I can't resist the urge to dye it...
• Go back to California. - just like Notorious fucking B.I.G. He said it best "Going back to Cali, strictly for the weather, women, and the weed. " Not that I'm into women or weed, but it's the attitude behind the statement that counts. I loved it out there, I'm going back no matter what.
• Take a decent roadtrip. - I'm not talking about going down to Richmond for the day, I mean serious business, we're talking transcontinental. Across five states, at least. I probably will have to wait until I can afford my own car and go on my own because I don't really know anyone that would drop everything and do it with me, but that's quite alright.
• Visit both sets of grandparents. - plane tickets cost so much these days, not to mention I don't have a passport yet, but it has to be done. Grandparents are something I'm missing in my life, bigtime. That's gotta be fixed before one of them passes away, God forbid. I'm lucky enough to have the whole package, and even a great-grandpa, I just wanna hug em all.
• Buy my brothers something nice for Christmas. - I've got two little brothers and they don't give me shit, but it'd be cool to be Santa Claus one year and give them something spectacular. And yes, I would dress up and everything.
• SEEING EVERY BAND I LOVE. -it's in caps lock because I'm excited. I wish I went to more concerts. Note to self - spend less money on food, and more money on concert tickets, because it is ALWAYS worth it.

It's long enough for now, continuation once
I think of more junk to put on here.
And once it's more or less complete, I'm hiding it somewhere
in January's posts so it can't be found.

and all of a sudden it hit me.

It's like finally something has come up
and made the decision for me.
I read something on EM's formspring,
where someone asked him what he would do
if he had three days to live.
His answer: buy a one-way ticket to Spain,
sail, fish, fuck, drink.
stranger's suggestion was that he should do it anyways.
EM, however, responded with something like:
"Yeah, I'd like to, but unfortunately time's have changed"

Well fuck it, time's have changed, but people haven't.
I AM IN NO WAY CONDONING THE IDEA OF
"LIVING LIKE YOU'RE DYING"
that's simply not realistic.
but looking at it this way:
If I died tomorrow, what would I regret?

Would I regret not giving a fuck in high school?
Would I regret not partying enough?
Would I regret not dating that guy I thought I wanted to date?

Not a chance.

I know what I would regret though:
Not spending enough time with my family
Not going back to California
Not learning to speak Portuguese, or French
Not learning how to play the piano better, or the harmonica at all
Not seeing sooo many bands in concert
Not riding a bike through Richmond
Not laughing enough
Not growing my hair down to my butt

I can't really help the last one but every
single one of the other things on that list
are there because it's my fault.
I haven't done enough to ensure my own happiness, dear God.


Looking at another point:
I've spent the last 18 years indebted to my parents.
They feed me, clothe me, shelter me, so I do what they say.
I follow their rules, I respect their house, etc etc
One of these days someone's gonna like it
enough to put a ring on it, and then the process just repeats.
I feed, clothe, shelter, protect, rinse & repeat
via a husband and children.

SO by my calculations, somewhere in between
is a place where I don't owe anyone, anything.

So I'm gonna do everything I ever wanted,
and putting responsibilities on hold.
fuck what the world wants, you know?
just fuck it.

This isn't to say I'm quitting school, or
going out to California tomorrow.
I'm not dumb enough to do something without
some sort of Plan Of Attack.
But from now on, I'd like to think that all of
my efforts are going towards being able to die proudly
and without regrets.

"Would I regret doing/not doing this if I die tomorrow?"
No? Then it doesn't matter, point blank.

I guarantee that a year from now, that list will
be significantly shorter.
It's on the internet now, so I mean it, hah.

CONAN OOOOH BRRRIIIIEEEEENNNNN

He is the number one reason I need to go to Bonnaroo.

But I do know one thing though

Bitches they come they go,
Saturday through Sunday, Monday.
Monday through Sunday, yo.
Maybe I'll love you one day,
maybe we'll someday grow
til then just sit your drunk ass,
on that fucking runway, hoe.


-Eminem in his prime

GWAPS

Gratuitous Wes Anderson Picture Saturday

Being John Malkovich

changed my life a little bit.

it's movies like that, that make you
want to say "fuck it", and major in film.


Also, can I mention that Wes Anderson,
is way younger than I thought.
good news: he'll be making movies for the
next 20 years, at least !

The guy's fucking brilliant, that's all.

There's a smudge on my screen where your name used to be

and I like it that way because it's tainted
like you.
Is it possible for a cynic to fall in love too easily?
Is it possible to be homicidal, yet also
charismatic and out-going?

I don't know, but I will say this:
staying motivated is hard,
its like I'm constantly searching.
Gotta find new reasons to keep breathing,
find new things to believe in,
find new beds to sleep in.

Because all my idols are dead,
old ghosts fuck with my head,
all I ever dream of is leaving.

I didn't intend for all of that to rhyme, but there you go.
I'm never satisfied so I just lay here.

Shouldn't you know everything about me by now?

You should see the guys I talk to.

M - I should probably chill. I'm mostly just
mad that I shaved my legs. Sooo much surface area,
all for naught.

D - For someone so boring, you're a real piece of
work. What do you even have going for you?
And why do I even bother anymore?
Prime example of why good guys stay single,
because girls like me keep coming back to
nutsacks like you. You've never asked me
how my day went.

T - Not really the big bad asshole you
make yourself out to be. But I can't deal with
everything that happened in your past.
It's too much for me.
Plus we're just at different places in our lives.
Hopefully you'll never want to make it official
because I don't want you to be the one
that gets hurt. again.



I don't believe in love at first sight,
but if I did, I would be in love with Andy Hull.
His wife must be the most blessed woman on earth
to wake up to his face every morning, and I mean that.
I have yet to find out anything about him that I don't enjoy.
I like to think he's pointing at me in this picture, and
saying " Yeah, I'll see you after the show. We'll have
a beer and I'll write you a song about pirates and goats.
Come visit me at home and we'll share smores by the fire
while my wife goes out shopping with her friends. Totally platonic though."

Yeah, that's what he's saying.

important life lessons

8. If everyone in the show you’re watching is good-looking, it’s not worth watching.



How true is this?
favorite shows:

MAURY
30 ROCK
SEINFELD
ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT
ITS ALWAYS SUNNY IN PHILADELPHIA

if you find everyone on all of those shows attractive,
there's something wrong with you.

Lux was the last to go

This is an old post, obviously.
I just thought I'd move it to here.

My birthday is coming up, its like a personal New Year's on the timeline of my life.
So if I was born on day one of year one, then on Planet Regina,
next Friday will be the first day of year 19.
It seems a fitting time for reflection.
facing the truth is uncomfortable, but how can we move forward unless we accept things and change?

19 things I wanna think about before year 20:



1. I JUST SAID YEAR 20. There's something intimidating about saying it out loud.

2. I will never downplay the importance of music in my life again. I've found so much new music this year that's changed me.

3. Religiously speaking, I don't know what i believe anymore. Maybe I wanna figure that out once and for all, but most likely I'm just going to keep living in a constant state of flux and doubt.

4. Happiness isn't something i can just keep wishing for at 11:11. its supposed to be an active part of my life and it just hasn't been lately. I wanna find ways to fix this.

5. I'm probably not a nice person. it's a relief to say that. Just because I treat most people well does not make me nice, I'm just polite. I can't help that regardless of how I act, I feel completely different. so the dilemma here is: do I stop faking it and just say whats on my mind, run the risk of hurting too many people? or do I keep my anti-social tendencies to myself? must make that decision at some point.

6. I don't fear death, I'm embracing it like an old friend. and I don't want that to change.

7. Year 18 was like a sieve and all the unimportant people fell through the cracks. I appreciate the impact that's been made on my life by everyone that's left.

8. A teacher's assistant once told me I hold too much back. That was the hardest thing I've ever had to hear about myself. Maybe if I stop judging myself,I can stop holding back. Not sure how that's supposed to happen, but I'll try and figure that out.

9. Too many hobbies I wanna take up. I'll finally have the time to do them all.

10. Mean everything to one person. You know exactly what I mean.

11. CHANGE. change a little or a lot, I just hope I don't end this next year the same way I start it. even if I'm regressing, there are worse things than moving backwards. Mosquitoes only breed in stagnant water.

12. Stand my ground. I hate bending for you. I hate it when you make me change my mind. To hell with that.

13. "Dismiss anything that insults your own soul" Truer words were never written.

14. I don't care about any of this junk that passes through my life. I'll try to stop pretending to.

15. You have no idea how much I obsess over certain things. What's the opposite of grudges? Because that's what I hold. I should just give myself peace from that, and let things go for good.

16. You'd be surprised how much food I eat that I don't even like. No more of that.

17. You're all just as complex and unique as I am. I mean, I know that, but it still astounds me when I'm confronted with it. I've gotta find some sort of way to repay humanity for how much they've taught me. That could take years I guess.

18. Is it odd that my life has a color scheme? Muted New Mexican jewel tones that make me think of deserts and wolfs and Spanish guitars. I wanna pay better attention to spelling things correctly.

19. Writing everyday. There's nothing more important than putting my own thoughts and the thoughts of other people down on paper uncensored. We forgot how to live except within our own minds, so its gotta come out on paper.


Those aren't even resolutions, I think it's just me making sense to no one but myself.

Today

my five-year-old brother comes up to me
as I sit on the couch, and offers me
in his sweaty little hand, a BP ball.

"Is this yours? It looks like it's yours."


Oh little Danny.
You are wise beyond your years.

Almost Famous

"The only true currency in this bankrupt
world is what we share with someone
else when we're uncool"



I'm reminded of high school and how much I
loved it towards the end.
how much I appreciate
good friends and good people.



and how much David has it made.

I can't be jealous because I'm too busy being in awe
of how shockingly good his life is.
That bastard.

Money makes the world go round

which is exactly why I'm standing still.
Greatttttttttt.

HOLY CRAPOLA

My favorite man, and my favorite band
both in one night, on SNL.

so far there have been jokes about
That's So Raven, Beards, 30 Rock,
and Vampire Weekend playing my
favorite song off their new album.

aaaah, I'm in such love :'(

At first I thought

"What's so gross about money?"


Then I realized they didn't mean that kind of cash.

Sometimes rhyming calms me down

I do like it when the lights are off,
and I like being alone
when pictures of your face
are my only remnants of home.
I live and die within this city,
but I dream about the town
that made me realize, looking out
I should consider settling down.
I take deep breaths like it's the last time,
because one day, it will be.
I didn't say goodbye to old friends and lovers,
but I did tell them sorry.
I'm sorry, saying sorry, taking covers from a child.
burning memories on these pages,
hoping you would stay the night.
yes, the trouble,
it's not worth it,
but someone, somewhere wrote the lines
that skipped a generation,
candy-coated both our minds.

Can I add?

Sarah Palin is a joke.
a sad excuse for a joke, actually.

good bye,
and good riddance.

wishbone

the fused clavicle of birds.
I'm going to get a tattoo of you,
right
on
my
chest.

well, more like my shoulder,
but you know what the deal is.
they say an unbroken wishbone
is a sign that your desires will come true.
god, i hope so.

The latest trend for me

is recopying journal entries into electronic form.
sometimes i write such unexpected things when im
tired in the dark.


also, trade secret: I'm not ACTUALLY in a relationship.
only if you read this, will you ever know.
I'm mostly just jumping the gun,
in a sad sort of way.

but damn it sometimes you just
have to embrace wishful thinking.
if this is the closest im gonna come to feeling
alright again, then whatever, i'll take it.

just do me a favor, MD,
hurry up so we can make this official,
and i can prove it, with stickers.

In actuality

It reeks of irony and cigarettes:
Richmond.

How can I write an ode to a city
I just met?

66

posts in January, compared to 6
in February?
God, whats wrong with me, I need to
get my shit together.

I've been so M.I.A.

I guess an update of my thoughts is in order,
because I've spent so much time writing on paper,
I forgot how good this keyboard really does feel.

So I'm officially home for good now, it's a long
complicated issue that converges some
financial aid problems and a huge issue
with some unreasonable girls that live next door,
but more on that later.
as to whether I'll be back to VCU next semester, I don't know.
Maybe it's not the place for me,
maybe it's not the place I thought it was.
Maybe I'm not who I thought I am, and thats why.

either way, for now I have some time to figure it out and I like that.

the perks of being a college-less wallflower
are that I can go wherever I want, practically.
I went to William&Mary for a week, and
surprisingly, I loved it.

Well, not immediately.
I believe the second day there I texted Marcela saying
"SAVE ME"
Williamsburg takes some getting used, especially after a city like Richmond.

But all of the people I met there were fantastic, to say the least.
I thrive in mutual friend situations, so here I got
the cream of the crop:
friends that I' m close to, and new people
that are close to them as well.
I don't think I've been around such intelligence and
wit in months, it was refreshing,
like green grapes.
^see that metaphor? it was forced. and retarded.

I've heard

that I should probably write a
David Sedaris-style book of all my exploits, etc.
Honestly, I wouldn't know where to start really.
My writing and my story telling are two separate passions,
and I'm not quite sure where they converge,
or even if they should.

I haven't written in a while

not here, at least.
I've mostly been journaling, but
this, I think, deserved some space away from pages and ink.

This girl from my high school died today.
She died in a car accident, I'm not sure of details.
Her name was JB, and I hated her.

Well. lets be fair. I didn't "hate" her,
I don't hate anyone. but I didn't want to be around her.
I spoke ill of her on a regular basis,
just because she was in my english class and never failed to piss me off.

but now shes gone.
and that leaves me wondering:
did I ever say it outloud?
did I ever speak the words " I wish JB would just die"?
if I did, I didn't mean it, but that's easy to say in hindsight.

instead, what I'm left with is guilt.
over whelming guilt.
no, I didn't crash her car.
but maybe when I laughed at a joke made at her expense,
the breath that came out of my mouth created some
sadistic crosswind...

The Butterfly Effect is the idea that the flap of a butterfly's wing in Brazil,
could cause a tsunami in Japan,
because the world is interconnected
and intertwined.

so somehow through this theory, I am drowning in guilt.
I'm not crying, but I wanna be.


so do I learn from this?
do I turn this into an experience that changes me,
makes me love everyone equally and unprejudiced?
I just don't think I'm that kind of person anymore.
and I don't think that would be honest of me.

there's gotta be a way that I can come to terms with:
no, JB, I did not like you, or agree with your opinions
but you did not deserve to die so young.
I can say that in truth.

I know you were religious, and it was your time
to head to heaven and meet your God, I believe that.
people only die when heaven's ready to take them, I think.
JB was ready, she earned her spot.

but with her she took all of her ambitions and her goals, and her potential,
and for the people she left behind, she left them with the burden
of not being able to say good bye, of not being able to see her face.
I read RB's note about her, and realized she was this whole person I never knew,
she touched people in positive ways, and there were people who loved her.
I used to say such cruel things about her,
and I know that if any of my close friends died,
I would murder anyone who had ever made fun of them in front of me.

so its not fair. its not fair that I wasted time
making fun of JB in high school.
as much as I dislike the human race,
everyone is someone's daughter, or son.
and everyone is something important to someone.
so who am I to mock that?
and mock who and what they are?

so this burden in my chest is real,
JB deserved better than the words I spoke of her.
I can only hope that I'll be welcome at the funeral,
so maybe I can finally make this right.

Rest in Peace Jackie, your life was worth more than anyone will ever know.

YOU KNOW

Werewolf

by CocoRosie.
new obsession.


"Broken sundown, fatherless showdown"
"Young hearts burst, open wounds bleed fresh"

it's true

Haven't been able to write for the past couple of days.
Because the next thing that comes out, I know is going to be painful.
Like when you drink Drano,
and you think you're totally fine.
Until someone calls Poison Control,
and you find out what the words "induce regurgitation" mean.
I'm putting it off but I swear it's gonna come,
but I thought I was alright.

Can't start a fire

It's an awesome feeling when you keep New Year's Resolutions.

That's sort of an old school name for what
I'm trying to do, but I can't think of
a better way to put it.


First success:
my nails have stayed well-painted
ever since I decided they'd be that way.

Not to mention I get my to-do list accomplished little by little
every day.
Already been to a class (and paid attention the whole time)
and for once I'm actually saving money instead of spending it, what?


I'm getting better at calling it like it is.
Used to avoid that sort of thing, because I thought
it felt uncomfortable, but this feels waay better.

Schenay was always right when she used to say
"FUCK THE BULLSHIT"
it's the best motto I know how to live by.

Been listening to a lot of music lately

that puts me on the verge of tears, wtffff.

Manchester Orchestra especially, they own me.

BRAIN DRAINED

a particularly good night in Richmond.
also: how the fuck did this ODU girl find me?
insane.

so apparently

there's such a thing as "too nice" for me.
bwwaaaaah, I don't want to restrict myself
to assholes !


maybe once a nice guy should peak my interest.


or not, just sayin.

DAVID'S

brother added me on facebook
it sounds so trivial,
but its a big deal, trust me.
I was fairly sure we hated each other,
but now....




alright, alright, i've got maybe a small thing for him now.
MAYBE.
maybe i feel gross just saying that.
he just looks a lot like David,
and maybe its the cocaine,
but he got cooler all of a sudden.



FFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUU
its probably all bullshit.

WHAT

I've been gone for so long,
I dont even know where to start.

Life's been good to me lately,
except for the fact that I
CANT GET INTO OUR GORGEOUS GYM
ITS SO AMAZING YET UNTOUCHABLE
:(

but.
last night I went to Brain Drain for the first time
and blew my mind.
Some guy totally vibed with me for an hour
and now he's asking me on dates?

There's just somethign about being in Richmond that puts
guys on my nuts, just saying.

HELLO MR. DREAMBOAT

To add on to my previous description of the perfect man:



I'm looking for someone who's going to sit
on the couch under covers,
and eat leftover chili with me,
while watching some shitty reality show on VH1,
or maybe Fight Club, or V for Vendetta.

and then afterwards we can go to the bedroom
and fuck each others brains out.

instead of smoking cigarettes when we're done,
I'll listen to him play guitar.


high standards, i know.

speaking of

I'm embarassed.
I feel like a hypocrite everytime,
no lie.


"PARTY PARTY PARTY LETS ALL GET WASTED"
but sometimes I wish we wouldn't.

that's just not what I'm looking for in my life
and I should stop pretending like it is.

its funny how

I want to change,
but I just keep clinging to the past.

it's like being a junkie.
I didn't realize it was a drug
until it was gone.

Holy Crap

STFU Dante.
seriously, this guy is a role model for NO ONE.

so why does he feel the need to
post "inspirational" statuses every day?

I just want to roll my eyes so hard they
shoot out the back of my skull,
find the nearest computer,
and use Ebay to buy him a fucking clue.

Just saw her face

for the first time in years.
and she's doing fantastic.

like really, I'm glad we're not friends any more,
because shes doing so much better without me.
I think perhaps I was always just trying
to be a carbon copy anyways.
I'd be lying if i were to say I'm not jealous.

Well you go Glen Coco,
you deserve it.
and after everything that happened,
what I've always wanted to tell you is that:

You were right.
About it all.

AYO DREAMBOAT

can i has?
can i motherfucking has??

I have to tell myself sometimes

"don't be that crazy girl
don't do it
just don't do it."


it shouldnt take this much effort to keep myself sane.

I read somewhere that my tarot card is "The Devil"

"But who prays for Satan?
Who, in eighteen centuries,
has had the common humanity
to pray for the one sinner that needed it most? "

love of my lifelifelifelife

i dont think

its what i thought.
we'll have to wait and see
but im pretty sure this one
was a false alarm

maybe hes left the page by now.

This guy is the most interesting guy
I've talked to in a while.


I'm probably going to be way too weird and
blow it, hah.
scare him away with my teeth and scales.


But for the first time in a long time,
every word that comes out of this guys mouth (hands?)
makes me want to hear more.

Can't get over

how much I love
Sufjan Stevens.

God what a talented man.
I could listen to this forever,
but I've got things to do.

But seeing him live
is definitely on my bucket list.

I'm glad you did that because now you look

GROSS.

:)

Soo many question marks

I've noticed that lately.
Like everyone (myself included)
just talks in questions.
Most of them rhetorical,
most of them we know the answers to,
we just don't want to hear.

We're hoping that perhaps if we just ask anyways,
then the answer will be something different.
But even if it is, you still know the truth, come on.


~~~~~~~

On another note, my back hurts
I've got boob problems. It sucks.
Also, when will people understand
that having a baby and getting married,
will NOT solve your problems.
be happy first, then commit and bring
someone else into this world.

On an even other note,
maybe it's time to stop being a hypocrite.
Just for a while.

"No one's got it all"

Don't say it like it's

something sad.

you don't know me at all

He looks so vulnerable.

My love is like clockwork

Is that a real thing?
Wtf does that even mean?

FUCK

truer words ever spoken?

What inspiration?

I get so inspired by everything I see,
I just want to buy a sketchbook and
a notebook and a typewriter
and a sewing machine.

That way I could create all the things
I ever wanted.

So I wish for like a week,
everyone would leave me alone with
those things and my computer
and then maybe something
beautiful would come out.

Disney princesses dressed as villains

in love.

If and only If

If I were a month, I’d be November.
If I were a day of the week, I’d be Friday morning.
If I were a time of day, I’d be two am.
If I were a planet, I’d be Saturn.
If I were a sea animal, I’d be an Octopus.
If I were a direction, I’d be East.
If I were a piece of furniture, I’d be a bed.
If I were a liquid, I’d be hot tea.
If I were a gemstone, I’d be an emerald.
If I were a tree, I’d be a Maple tree.
If I were a tool, I’d be an axe.
If I were a flower, I’d be a Snapdragon.
If I were a kind of weather, I’d be a windy fall day.
If I were a musical instrument, I’d be a harmonica.

If I were a color, I’d be Navy blue.

If I were an emotion, I’d be doubtful.
If I were a fruit, I’d be a grapefruit.
If I were a sound, I’d be a chuckle.
If I were an element, I’d be water.
If I were a car, I’d be a Civic.
If I were a food, I’d be a pancake.
If I were a place, I’d be a fountain.
If I were a material, I’d be leather.
If I were a taste, I’d be figs.
If I were a scent, I’d be apples.
If I were an object, I’d be a novel.
If I were a body part, I’d be a hip.
If I were a facial expression, I’d be rolled eyes, pursed lips.
If I were a song, I’d be Shake It Out.
If I were a pair of shoes, I’d be barefoot.

I sit

in this chair and gain circumference every night.
It's no way to live,
but it's certainly a way to die.

FUUUUUUUUUUU -

Maybe I curse too much.

Offensive words are best when used sparingly -
they have more effect that way.

If a sailor says ****, then who cares?
but if a toddler says ****...
catchin the drift?

I wanna curse a lot less,
starting whenever.
Not that I don't love it,
but I love milkshakes too.
And if I consumed milkshakes
as often as I curse,
I would never be able to wear all these
beautiful Cosby sweaters :(

Dream Boat:

• Large (I'm not talking about crotch-growth. I want me a 250- pounder)
• BEARDLY - this is probably the most important aspect
• Southern
  
• Tattoos
  
• Guitar ( acoustic, of course)
  
• Literate
  
• Quiet
  
• CAN TAKE AN OFFENSIVE JOKE WITHOUT BEING OFFENDED
• Music and Movie taste that not only mirror my own, but better my own

Yeah I've pretty much described Kevin from Top Chef, or Andy Hull from The Manchester Orchestra, but they're both taken :(

I'm never gonna find one of these, but a girl can dream, right? right?????

Homemade Chili

wtf so good I don't even

In America:

• Portland, Oregon: not only do I wanna go here, I wanna live here. The environment, the people, the culture. God, if Portland isn't culturally relevant, then I don't know what is.

• San Fransisco, California: Gay Heaven, but not as garish as New York. Environmentally conscious, laid back, close to water, I'm in love.

• Cape Cod: Vampire Weekend convinced this is exactly where I want to go on vacation. I will wear silk scarves with my bathing suits and drink mojitos while eating grilled chicken bruschetta on the porch.

• Phoenix, Arizona: I wanna see the desert before I die.

• New Mexico: There's just something about the American Southwest that draws me lately.

• New York: The Lower East Side. I mean, come on, its necessary.

• Atlanta, Georgia: Even if they're still a bit racist, God I love the South. Good food, and southern gentlemen. <3

• Michigan: There's gotta be something in the Midwest worth seeing. I intend to find out what that is.
  

Lady Gaga translation:

WAAAAH

The idea is that I'm supposed to be amused.
I'm supposed to put up with this.


why hello there,
I WANT SPACE.

Maybe later I'll make a list of all the places I want to travel to
and why.
That should keep me occupied and happy for a while.

I'm listening

to Ke$ha's new cd, and I want to kill myself.
Literally.
I hope she drinks herself to an early grave.

Only redeeming quality of the cd:
on one track, at the very end of the song,
she giggles and says
" i like your beard"
I approve of this statement.
But it doesn't excuse the fact
that she should have commited suicide in middle school.


oops, was dat rood?

John&June<3

I CAN'T HELP

hating everything right now!

I'm going through something right now,
why can't anyone understand that?
I'm trying to force a smile on my face for
everyone I see, just so they won't know,
because I know they're just not gonna get it.
I'll be written off as a bitch.

Of course, the one person I choose to confide in,
is taking this personally, even though it has nothing to do with him.

Fuck this.
I'm trying to deal with myself as best I can
but it gets harder when I have to defend
the fact that I'm just not the same anymore.
Since when is it a crime to change?

Sure, everyone loves it when you change for the better,
but hey.
Sometimes you change for the worse and you're okay with it.
Which makes me realize:
Better and worse is relative.

Who's to say that I'm a worse person now?
I'm still sticking to my own moral code,
so I'm not any worse, I'm just
different.
and different is okay in my book.


This makes me have a little more respect
for the people I've lost along the way.
It wasn't about me,
they just changed,
and change is always good.
It's a sign that you are moving,
and as long as you're moving,
you are alive.

On the other hand

I guess I hope I don't ever complete
my tattoo or piercing list.

If I ever become a complete work of art,
then what be the point of living?
I'd be done.

Instead I guess I'd love to think of myself
as constantly changing.
A work of art in flux,
that just keeps getting better everytime you look back.

Piercing List

I feel like it's obligatory if I'm
gonna have a label called:
"Piercings"

Had:
Eyebrow (RIP)
Industrial (RIP)
Second Holes (RIP)
Spiderbite (1)(Left) (RIP)

Have:
Gauged Ears (2) Size 12
Snakebites (2)

Want:
Conch (Left)
Industrial (Right)
Cartilage (2) (Left)
Rook (Left)
Septum


How ridiculous is it that both my
"Had" and "Want" sections
are longer than my "Have" section?

This must be rectified,
I feel incomplete :(

STACHE O'DEATH

The artist's name is "french"

and I'm in love with all of his work.

Hero, by Regina Spektor

Second time I'm talking about it
but seriously.
This movie.

The "Expectation" vs. "Reality" sequence
had to be rewound and watched twice.
And its like that feeling where
you can tell tears are painfully welling
up behind your cheeks,
but they just won't come.

Obviously, how can I cry
over something I've never had?

wet poopsicles

Online, I could make a snake
shed his skin on command.
The heaviest of heathens
crawl in love with me.

But in person, it's not quite so true.
I'm not all that charming.
Or adorable.
I am the complete opposite of
Summer, I am a windy day
in November, reminding you
that winter's coming.
Not really all that shitty,
but it makes you long for warmer days.

fuuuuuuuuuu I hate being November.
why can't I just be an April or a May?
September would be nice.

Live by this forever

Lars, from Norway

He's the new guy she met at the gym,
with Brad Pitt's face
and Jesus' abs.

I know I'm pretty much the last one
to hop on the Summer bandwagon,
but I love this movie twenty times
more than I love life.


Also: Can I get the soundtrack?
For real, the music here is gr8.

Beirut

eases my soul,
I hope you know.

My stepdad's toenails

are pink, because my mom painted
them that way when they were both drunk.
We have no nail polish remover.


Every day God comes up with more signs
that he uses to show me
I'm meant to be a weirdo.

Just heard of

postcrossing.
sending/receiving postcards
from strangers around the world.

I CAN'T WAIT TO DO THIS

you know that when you say

"I'm so much prettier than his new girlfriend"
you sound like a cunt, right?

There's a lot more to life than beauty,
and a lot more to relationships than who's prettier.
Maybe she makes him feel like a thousand lions.
Maybe he'd climb rivers
and cross mountains
just to make her smile in the morning.

So fuck your shit, okay?
Just because you're prettier
doesn't make you any better.

I wanna marry him.

PLEASE.

Don't you see? These things take time.

duh.

I had plastic forks in mind

when I called you.

And maybe that will never make sense,
but it means we should be together.

well, to be honest, we probably shouldn't
but it's what I want sometimes.
especially since the plastic forks...
but nevermind.

You don't even know

I wish I was you


naaaaah jkjkjk no I don't.

AAWWWWOOOOOO

my ears

are at a 12.
I think?
I wanna go up to a ten, but I just like these tapers a lot.
The goal I suppose is to eventually have a plug collection
so I can downgrade anytime I want
and still have my ears lookin' fly.

My right ear always hurts more than my left one though.
It heals/stretches so much slower and I don't know whyyy.
For the first time in a long time
they're both at the same size, what a relief.

WE FLY HIGH, NO LIE, YOU KNOW THIS: HOWLINNN

Ginsberg was the motherfucking man, no doubt

Sometimes you just

feel it in your soul, you know?
I'm not making a fucking fashion statement,
I'm just making my soul happy.
Kill me if that's not right.


Nobody publishes books anymore,
everyone's got these blog things.
But what if I did it?

I could publish a book and
pretend it's the very first one.
Feel like I've rediscovered the printing press,
and everyone would abandon internet screens
and fall in love with me.
The only three things on Earth for certain
would be taxes, Death, and my books.

hah.
it's like pipe dreams only worse.

Am I the

only person who makes titles a part of their post?
I do it everywhere and in regard to everything.
I'm not sure why it started or where,
but it seems quite natural to me
and I don't know if it's weird or not.

It's part of this initiative to write every day.

have you ever written something,
and then found out it was already written?
its like:

"hello im from the future"
"hello im from the past"
"hello i am a ghost"

and then the cycle starts all over again
like you’re doubting your own existence
all because someone somewhere had the exact same idea

your brains are like this massive string of wires
and when two minds get on the same wave length
no one knows what the course of action is
because none of us are making sense except to each other

i missed you dearly in the summer
but the winter keeps me company
so nowadays i never wonder
anymore

I probably

should've had one of these sooner.
It's such a relief to get it all out
whenever I want.

Except now I want to get it all out at once.

I'm just saying, a little sick of tumblr because everybody's
pictures are the same and they're
all little girls who are 17
and think they're so indie and cool
holyshitlookatmeandalltheuniquepicturesIreblog
not that there's anything wrong with that.
It's just not my thing.
There's nothing worthwhile to read though,
and this is better because I always think
my own writing is worthwhile.
Considering I don't expect anyone to read this that
leaves me free to write anything I want.
forever.

aaaaaaaaah my life is a vampire weekend song stuck on repeat.
( I wish )

It's more like:
A gorgeous vintage skirt.
Early Versace, when the original was still alive.
It doesn't look like it matches with any of your bags
or shoes
or blouses.
But put it on and voila!
You look banging from every angle.

Too bad it's stuck in the bottom of some mildewy box
in your attic,
and it's not coming down
becasue you don't know its up there.

The house will probably burn down and
the skirt will just burn with it,
undiscovered.

How sad.
I've such high fantasies of my own life,
but I refuse to live it.
hypocrite.
martyr.
bum.

How can I promise myself that this year will be any different?

Oh the

painting on the right is by Sylvia Ji.
I think I'll just keep putting up different pictures
by her to suit my mood of the week or day
or whatever it turns out to be.

She does such beautiful work,
I'll probably end up getting a tattoo
inspired by one of her pieces.
Originally the sugar skull on
my left calf was going to be plain,
but now I think it'll have to be a woman's skull.
Complete with hair and everything.

All this pent up writing

I don't want to follow your blog because you write about kittens and rainbows.
Not literally, of course.
But you're so god-damned happy,
and everything in your life is so beautiful and poignant,
it's not real.
I know you're a genuine person, and you mean all
the nice things you say,
but for fuck's sake, life's not like that -
I'm not like that.

The bigger idea is that I'm not who you think I am.
"You're so sweet, it's giving me cavities"
except it's not a figure of speech.
No one else sees why this is a problem,
and that makes me think there's something wrong with me.
But is it too much to ask for if I want something gritty?
Dirty, sexy, offensive, hot-tempered,
violent, passionate, bloody, rude, volatile.
Yeah, it sounds exciting.
It sounds nothing like you.

I want to get the fuck away from you
so I can enjoy
watching bukkake videos,
or pictures of a head smashed in,
or go vomit in the dark.
But you don't deserve that, you've been nothing but good to me.
I just can't love you the way I'm pretending to.

I keep

driving people away, and I have no idea why.

and when I say people, I mean men.
I'd always thought:
" Well at least I've got personality going for me !"
and apparently I don't even have that anymore...
Too lazy to hook-up with new guys,
too much of a bitch to get the old ones back.

So now I'm in a state of semi-purgatory
and it sucks.
It's lukewarm.
I'd rather be in a rotten relationship,
than not feel anything for anyone.
Which is exactly how i feel.
I wish I loved anyone as much as I love Cosby sweaters.
But for now, it's just these sweaters keeping me warm at night.

SKINS

is a pretty stupid show if you ask me.
It's pretty much just the British version of Degrassi
and I hate it because it all just seems contrived and unrealistic.
It's so addicting though, I've been watching two episodes a day
for the past week. I'll probably be caught up to the current season
by the end of the month.

whaaaat

first post.
it took me all of ten minutes to choose this color scheme but i'll probably change it some more later. right now i think it suits me though.

the color of the drapes

is the color of the rug
she lookin fly?
then give that bitch a hug
she suck yo dick?
hoes can never get enough.
but if she wont
bitch ain't gettin no love.

i like my women like
i like my tea:
wet and dark and giving off steam.
go answer the door,
who came to party?
bitches, bitches, bitches
and they all for me.

keep gettin ass
like an ikea couch
shes useless to me
unless my dick's in her mouth.
or somewhere down south,
no roads off limits.
keep em satisfied,
dick size: double-digits.

i know hearing that shit makes you mad
but i get twice the pussy you wish you had
nah, i don't get it,
pussy gets me.
all on they're knees like they're beggin for a treat.

and if you cute,
you can get it too,
but if you ugly as shit,
imma backhand you.